dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
