Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
