So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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