DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
