i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Randomize
