rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
