Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
