its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
