I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
