Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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