Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Randomize
