I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
