Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
