I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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