Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
