Do vagina's smell?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
This show inspires me to have sex in space
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
