How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
