the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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