I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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