i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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