I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
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Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
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I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"