God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down