Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.