his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
