my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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