Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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