the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
