The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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