You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
