Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
