My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
