Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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