When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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