You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
