Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
