I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.