I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.