Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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