you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
