Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
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You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
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She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
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I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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