Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
