he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
