I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
