i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
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He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
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I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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