today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment