He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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