Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
