So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
