I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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