Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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