Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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