Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
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he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
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Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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