Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
