Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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