I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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