I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
