im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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