my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
